We all readily agree that God forgives sin, that Jesus brought salvation from sin, but we have a very hard time seeing ourselves as those who need forgiveness and salvation. We watch the evening news or read the newspaper and decide that we really are not so bad after all; the things we may have done - may have done! - are not anything compared to what other people are doing.... We will never have an accurate picture of ourselves and our fallen human condition until we understand that there is no sin we are incapable of committing.... [But] God has come to bring the people the knowledge of salvation by the forgiveness of their sins. We are forgiven as soon as we grasp the fact that we need forgiveness.
-Mary Anna Vidakovich
I'm struggling to compartmentalize a couple of things. Not that compartmentalizing is always and everywhere to be honored among psychological card tricks. Oh no! But I'm completely consumed with things that are slatted for after Thanksgiving. And if I cannot put these things out of my mind just a little, I won't enjoy the holiday back home. These are the things that are waking me up at 3:30 in the morning. Lovely.
So, yesterday I was compulsively checking my e-mail when this quotation came through. I receive the Sojourners "Verse and Voice" e-mail every day. The accompanying verse is Matthew 5:46-47. "For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?"
Yeah. You know, this is a strange little verse. I mean, it's well known (I think), but it's strange. We have to love more. That's all. But then when you start thinking about sin and forgiveness...Is it that really what this thing is about? Maybe. It's in the midst of Matthew's very long "Sermon on the Mount." It's similar in structure and effect to "you have heard it said...but I say..."
So is the failure to do these things sin? Sin is whatever is the subject of God's forgiveness. Well, that's one way of looking at it. We are always in the need of forgiveness. We are always in sin. There are the tiny things, the little things, the impossible to predict, seldom considered, insomnia producing sins that I need forgiving from today. Why? Well, they fall like dominoes and grow. Sometimes they lead to those really obvious sins...like, I dunno, talking at the theater.
I'm tired. I know. And maybe this is not making so very much sense right now. But somehow I am feeling the weight of my own sins these days...more than usual. And in the process of such remembering, I forget forgiveness. It flies out the window. It's elusive.
I cannot begin to tell you what it is. One-on-one Confession would be too specific a liturgy for me today. I need something else. I covet your prayers. I am wearing my burdens on my sleeve today. They are keeping me up when I know I need the rest...companions of the night reaches.
Posted by tripp at November 20, 2007 05:14 AMI think that this verse is about forgiveness, as much about self-forgiveness as about forgiving those who do not love you. Forgiving your loved ones is easy, or can be, but forgiving yourself or those you do not love/who do not love you. A mite harder.
I will pray for you today, Tripp. I find that Litany at the back of the BDP awful helpful sometimes. It may not be your cup of tea, but there it is.
Posted by: Jorge Sanchez at November 20, 2007 09:19 AMSorry you are weighted down. My first recommendation is to get out your guitar or mandolin and sing "The Weight" at the top of your lungs. Imagine Tim and me hitting the harmony above you on the chorus. That will break the mood you are in for sure.
Let me suggest that often the hardest way to deal with sin is to focus on the imperfection. God gave you the power to do good as well as to avoid sin. Concentrate on doing good to get your head moving in the right direction, and then start using that momentum to clear away the obstacles toward doing more. When I think about sin (which I don't very much), I tend to think of it as a general concept of barricades between me and God, not as marks that need to be erased or as weights filling up my load. When Jesus offers to help us with our burdens, perhaps he is giving us permission to focus on the ways we love instead of the ways we screw up. For many of us, it is too easy to be overwhelmed by the negative.
Just a thought. God be with you, especially today.
Posted by: Rich at November 20, 2007 09:26 AMReading, Tripp. Love and prayers to you.
Posted by: Beth W. at November 20, 2007 09:29 AMTripp, it sounds to you like you may be grieving your departure from Reconciler. And it's coming out in this sleepless, self-flagellating way.
It would be perfectly natural to mourn the change in your life. Do see if you can cut yourself an emotional and psychological break while you do that... starting by not making your grief a "sin" problem.
Posted by: Megan at November 20, 2007 11:26 AMHey guys. Thanks.
Yeah, I know I am grieving. I have been for weeks. And I will continue to do so. It's certainly part of this insomnia.
Posted by: Tripp at November 20, 2007 11:56 AMTripp, of course, prayers...and maybe this will help?? This term I taught my students a version of the Ignatian examen to help them "put it all to bed" before THEY went to bed. The version I like is LTFFF...ask for Light on the day, give Thanks for something, what did you Feel as the day went by (God with you or not; grief or joy; sin or grace), pick a feeling to Focus on, pray with it, think to what the next day (Future) will bring; say an Our Father and HAND IT OVER!
above all, grace and peace and prayers!
p.s. I'm still savoring Gaelic Storm..
Posted by: Michelle at November 20, 2007 06:17 PM