conjectural navel gazing; jesus in lint form

navel gazing and water

Abit ago, I posted about some of my vocational musings. I ended up sharing it with the CPE group in a more forman conversation. If you follow the link you will find the entirety of the navel gazing. I figured I would share it with you all as well. You may recognise some of it from the earlier post, but I expanded it somewhat. I think it captures more of what I am struggling with. Feel free to comment.

In the beginning when God created the heavens and the earth, the earth was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the deep, while a wind from
God swept over the face of the waters. Gen 1:1-2

Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea. The LORD drove the sea back by a strong east wind all night, and turned the sea into dry land; and the
waters were divided. Ex 14:21

I have been troubled.

A week or so ago, I was speaking with friends and a couple of new aquaintances and one of the new folk asked me something like, "So, now that you are done with school and all that and are in the hospital, do you know what you want to do with all of it? Do you have a sense of what's next?" Before I could respond, my friends started to giggle. Yes, it was a funny question. What the aquaintance did not know is that I have never ever known what I wanted to do. I am not the most career-minded person. Even when I went to seminary, my decision was more about wanting to go to seminary than to get ordained and be a Baptist minister. As the stages have progressed, I generally get a sense of what is next...and I go that route. School to ordination to some kind of ministry...a very general path where I have yet to ask myself "Is this what you want?" I usually ask a slightly different question: "Are you having a good time?"

Maybe to some this is a silly way to approach these decisions. Perhaps to others it shows some wisdom. I don't know. Maybe it is the question that is the subtext for the general "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I have no clue. Heh. I guess the funny reality is that in spite of all the focus that appears to exist in my life right now, I am still the same clueless guy that I was when I was 25. I live with that reality in a different way now, but it is still the reality I have to wrestle with.

As I mentioned this week in group time, I think I might want to do this work for a living. "I want his job!" I must confess that I do not know how much of that desire is realistic or is simply a response to being stimulated by a specific situation. In either case, it is worth working through. I was hoping you all might be of some help in this. In the process of reflecting on a possible career in trauma work, this hymn came to mind for me.

Wade in the water
Wade in the water, children,
Wade in the water
God's a-going to trouble the water

See that host all dressed in white
God's a-going to trouble the water
The leader looks like the Israelite
God's a-going to trouble the water

See that band all dressed in red
God's a-going to trouble the water
Looks like the band that Moses led
God's a-going to trouble the water

Look over yonder, what do you see
God's a-going to trouble the water
The Holy Ghost a-coming on me
God's a-going to trouble the water

If you don't believe I've been redeemed
God's a-going to trouble the water
Just follow me down to the Jordan's stream
God's a-going to trouble the water

There is much to say for being troubled. Complacency is a spiritual illness. Simplicity and constancy are good and laudable, but complacency is another issue. I find I gravitate toward complacency. I like the status quo, for things to go on as they are, no matter how odd or stressful, the unknown is still more stressful and frightening than the known. What I have discovered, however, is that God is at work, and when God works, I am jarred out of my complacency and the water in which I stand is troubled.

In Exodus, God sends a stiff wind to blow apart the waters. This troubling of the water is liberation for God??s People. I think that God works this way. Often, water is troubled on our behalf. Yes, the change can be dramatic, agonizing and even terrifying, but the Breath of God brings about the Will of God. I wonder now if God is leading me to a promised land.

In Genesis, I see the benefits of God's sweeping over the waters of the deep. Until God troubles the water, it is formless, void of life and meaning. It is empty. God's spirit, God's breath (Ruah El??ohim) moves over the still places. In this instance, it is the stillness in my own heart, those places in me that are still void and formless, where I have kept God at bay.

One of those places, I believe, has to do with career and how I plan for my future. I think I have mentioned before that I have never been "future oriented." Planning for a career has been the lowest of priorities. There are many reasons for this, some healthy, some not. Fears and pessimism can rule me. Cynicism has its place as well. God troubles the stagnant places, the places in me that are unhealthy, where I may fight against growth and change. In the face of suffering, when I minister to people, my hardened heart is cracked open. My experience with families who decide on organ donation or with families who suffer through the traumatic death of a loved one troubles the still waters.

I want those waters to be troubled. Through that trouble, God rescues me. God will separate the water freeing me from myself. This is an Exodus, a moment of re-creation.

Posted by tripp at February 18, 2005 06:17 AM