You know, with all the various leavetaking at school, Spring Evensong was the hardest. Eveything else has the ring of impermanence. I will write papers again. I will see the vast majority of my seminary friends on a regular basis. Those moving away are gonna be harder to see graduate, but that is an expected loss. Does that make sense? And my happiness for them outweighs my own sense of loss.
Singing Evensong, Spring Evensong (an honor) at that, was harder than I had imagined. I almost lost it on several occasions during the service. Jane, Susie and Micah were there to help officiate. Micah as the lector, and Jane and Susie as two members of our little schola. We so rocked the liturgical world last night. I am sure that the after shock was felt at the National Cathedral.
The trouble is that evensong is not something that Baptists utilize. We may do a Wednesday prayer service, but it is not the same. I will never wear my vestments again. I am considering leaving them at SWTS. I assume I will never sing the prayers from the BCP again. I may be wrong, but it certainly felt like it last night. There was an overwhelming "one last time" feel to the whole thing. Even if I sing evensong again, it will not be for my worshiping community. SWTS has been a worshiping community.
No, I do not want to be Episcopalian. Some people read my love of the liturgy to mean that. I love the liturgy like some people love art or music. It is an art form to me. Being able to participate in it has been an honor I cannot express. But I am not Episcopalian. I am Baptist. My time at SWTS has shown me that. I love being baptist. I do not expect that I will ever ask my baptist church(s) to take on a liturgical expression that is not their own. If I do, it will be a failure as a pastor on my part.
But I sing. It is what I do. It is second nature. Singing the liturgy...well...it just makes sense like breathing makes sense. I do not have to think about my singing when I sing the liturgy. I simply sing. And that use of my voice brings to consciousness my entire body. I know the words of prayer as song. The mass, the prayers at evensong are "song" to me. That goes deeper than the spoken word. I cannot express it. It gathers my full attention, my full participation, my full awareness. It is a gift to me, and that gift stings right now.
So, here is the question again, the thing that has been my focus for these three years of seminary: What is it to be Christian? Is it Evensong? No. It is dunking your kids and holding off on baptising infants? No. It is any liturgical practice we have invented in the past 2000 years? No. Liturgy is a lovely and wondrous thing, but it is not faith. I do not have an answer yet for this question, not one I am satisfied with at least. But I know that this is what "being" is all about. Christian is something I am. It is something I must be. Perhaps for that reason alone, it is impossible to categorize Christian belief. It cannot be quantified or qualified because it is the mystery given flesh.
And the circular-speak continues. Maybe if I just sang it for you...
Posted by tripp at June 3, 2004 08:16 AM | TrackBackHow sad. Sad but expected. Yes, it makes sense, like when your grandfather/grandmother dies. We all know it's coming, but that doesn't make it any easier. I'll miss you.
Maybe you could sing in Montana.
Posted by: Reverend Rev at June 3, 2004 08:29 AMOh, take your vestments. God would not plant that loving song in your heart and then not mean for you to give it expression. Somewhere, when you least expect it...
Posted by: Jane Ellen at June 3, 2004 08:36 AMI agree with Jane. You have incredible gifts in your love of liturgy and your singing, and I know those are meant to be shared. The "how" will just be another part of the mystery you love so much.
Posted by: Susie at June 3, 2004 08:54 AMTripp, during all the years after I left the RCC, I never lost the feeling of singing sacred music as prayer. It's still very powerful for me, even taken fully outside any worship context.
Posted by: Megan at June 3, 2004 10:37 AMmy dear anglobaptist, it seems as though we are two different sides of the same coin--baptist yes and then some. i like the grief that ruptures your song and the rhythm that propels it....
Posted by: baptistnomad at June 3, 2004 11:16 AM